April Fool Me Once...

See, I've been hurt before.

I just spent the month of March enduring Pittsburgh's bi-polar weather patterns. I didn't even want to type the term 'bi-polar' because it uses a key word found in polar vortex, a weather phenomenon no one had ever heard of until December of 2013. Then it became the most important thing in our lives and I'm pretty sure it's the driving force behind Obamacare.  I've been having flashbacks to El Nino and I run my ceiling fan and space heater in my bedroom simultaneously to keep my body temperature confused.

So here comes April with all the cool, indifferent swagger of Brad Pitt in any Oceans movie. All shiny suits, warm colors and confident smirk, telling me we can do what everyone says is impossible: hit 70 degrees. Walk outside without a jacket. Bask in the glow of that large yellow disk in the sky that radiates light and heat. Take in the long lost color green. Hear the joyous chirping of birds. Sit outside with a cup of coffee and look out upon a landscape that is no longer grey, cold and devoid of life. Fit into the same size jeans I wore in high school. Find the missing Malaysian plane. Maintain peace and stability in Ukraine.

I may have gotten a little ahead of myself there. But if anything, it proves my point (I swear I have one). This is the influential power that the mere promise of spring weather has over our mental and emotional well being. It taunts me with growth. With positivity. With happiness. With a better life. All brought to me by the turning of the season and the leaving behind of my frozen negativity and complacency. I change from a dark, depressed, coat-wrapped Edgar Allen Poe verse to a 60's hippie skipping through a field of daisies, bringing peace to the world with flowers and Beatles (or 2Pac) songs. Self improvement is not only possible, it's inevitable. My dreams are no longer foolish longings but practical goals. My enemies are all forgiven while my friends and family shall partake of the finest meats and cheeses in all the land as we laugh and embrace the coming of spring. This is hope.

Then I look at a 5-day forecast. And while my trust of meteorologists is on par with your average Guatemalan drug lord I see those numbers slowly dwindling downward as the week goes on. I see the short sleeves of my button up shirt lengthen into long sleeves tomorrow evening. I see my light jacket pulled out of the closet on Thursday as the temperature cools and rain is promised into Friday. Then I glance at Saturday and a figurative chill grips my heart even as a literal chill grips my city. High in the 40s. Low below freezing. And I know the truth. April's promises are as shallow as the character development in the previously mentioned Oceans movies. It's delivering on its promise...for one day only. April giveth, and April taketh away. I refuse to be fooled again. I'll keep my gloves in my jacket pockets. My winter hat close at hand. My heavy boots not yet resigned to the closet for the next 6 months. My space heater still at the ready. I may be cynical but I'm prepared.

I told you. I've been hurt before.

In honor of winter, I present the saddest song ever...



There's Rules To This...

"I've been in this game for years, it made me an animal / there's rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual..." - Notorious B.I.G. 'Ten Crack Commandments

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, says you're about to delve into scientifically researched, grammatically correct, inspired, poignant writing like opening with a Biggie quote. If a large, black rapper from Brooklyn can't sell you on the pointless, ranting blog of a large, white retail worker from Pittsburgh then I guess I don't know marketing the way I thought I did. A special thanks to CJ Johnson (check his debut blog out at http://cjsrulesoflife.wordpress.com/). for getting me to blog again. He made a blog about rules, so I have to make a blog about rules. Dems da rules.

Or at least I feel I 'll make that a rule. The way I see it, internet and social media rules are as arbitrary, unwritten and outdated as anything in Major League Baseball: the sport where if you accomplish the difficult feat of hitting a home run, travelling the basepaths at anything faster or slower than 5.7 mph gets you a fastball to the chin the next time you walk to the plate (showmanship is frowned upon but assault with a weapon is...tradition). I've spent countless hours, labored tirelessly and sacrificed friendships, family, a career, my sanity and anything resembling a sex life to bring you all the definitive...

10 SOCIAL MEDIA COMMANDMENTS

 

1: Be positive! But, you know, not too positive. I don't want to feel bad about myself. So I'm going to need you to balance every post about going to the gym with at least one tag at a bar, club or fast food chain. Your devotion to physical and mental health and personal improvement should in no way shatter the glass house of delusion I'm currently living in. That kind of self reflection makes my beer taste funny.

 

2: Share your troubles, losses, issues and heartbreaks but do so in a way that doesn't cross what any individual feels is too much emotional sharing. And THAT line has more ups and downs then the Shanghai skyline (I'm trying to reach a global audience here, people). As a general rule of thumb if your post wanders into Sarah McLachlan, abused animal commercial territory some people are going to get uncomfortable. And your life crashing around you is no reason to spoil the mood for the new episode of The Walking Dead coming on that night.

 

3: Don't talk about your finances. I have no jokes for this. Seriously, just don't do it. There is NO reason to share your tax return, recent raise or how much the guy you hooked up with that weekend makes in anything more than vague generalities. Bragging about your bank account only encourages your 437 Facebook friends to think about robbing you.

 

4: Selfies are acceptable, except that they're not. I feel the division between selfie-supporters and selfie-mockers will override racial tension, religious differences, gay marriage and Ben Affleck as Batman as THE issue that will fuel the second civil war. I will let the final ruling be determined in the upcoming violence and bloodshed with one caveat: not everyone has a significant other or underage indentured servants (aka 'children') to help them capture life's special bathroom moments.

 



 

5: There are NO repercussions. The internet is the equivalent of everyone with a computer getting handed a job as a columnist for USA Today: a wide audience of varying education, little to no expectations of quality writing and a sense of entitled power without fear of retribution and the battle cry of 'YOLO'. I mean, if no one is actually standing within punching range of you than there is no reason to fear. Freedom of speech means tweeting about what a pussy that losing UFC fighter is. Odds are you'll never run into him at a Starbucks in Las Vegas.

 

6: You must share what you love way too much. How else will we get a sense of who you are (unless we follow you on Pinterest, of course). I made a couple humorous references to enjoying bacon back in 2010 and I've received 7,438 tags, posts and links connected to bacon since. I roll with it because it's harmless, amusing and bacon is fucking delicious. I'm sure you feel the same way about your kids, minus the delicious part. Or your dogs. Or your girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance or spouse. Or politics. Or Breaking Bad/Game of Thrones/The Walking Dead (I'm pretty sure they're all one show). Either way, we all abuse the freedom of expression, some people will bitch about it and life will somehow go on but at least we'll know what you love without having to read your eHarmony profile.



7: Your privacy is (not) guaranteed. I don't even mean this in the conspiracy-theory manner. We all know Mark Zuckerberg feeds our every scrap of information to the NSA, CIA and ESPN and we've accepted it because we're just not giving up Candy Crush. Set your privacy settings as carefully as possible but come to the realization that there is a possibility that anyone can see anything you post and life will be simpler. Assume every 'Like' you click is immediately sent to the proper porn authorities so you can get the best possible marketing of adult material given your preferences and location.

8: Engage people in intelligent discourse with positive results! Don't kid yourself, that atheist making a crack about creationism is going to take your Christian views to heart and respect your faith. That friend who posted a video in honor of Trayvon Martin is glad to see you engage him in defense of George Zimmerman and the two of you will contemplate each other's points with an open mind. Social media is the perfect medium to debate your rock solid, predetermined opinions in an organized, articulate and respectful forum. Socrates must be so proud.

9: Thou shalt reconnect with your closest friends you haven't seen in two decades. Say hello. Check out their pics, whether they're married and see how much weight they've gained. Then never speak directly again. Any further contact is against the rules.

10: You will love me(mes). You may not be sure how to pronounce meme properly but you will embrace it. You will express love, hate, comedy and emotions through meme. You will like and share memes that express your interests as well as those that mock the interests of others. You will 'remain calm' and share 'that awkward moment' with a grumpy cat . You will be flooded with babies in comical expressions and an odd number of Jean Luc Picards, Morpheuses and Willy Wonkas. They are the highest form of expression in a civilized society. 'Brace yourself'.

Welcome to social media. Now you know the rules, or at least the rules as I see them. Today. At this particular second. I might feel different in the morning. But don't be alarmed, if you ever forget the rules just post whatever you feel and your helpful 'friends' will tell you whether it's acceptable. And really, isn't mass approval what we're all striving for in this day and age of unparalleled freedom and independence? Now if I could just find a way to make all that into a meme...



Tough-guy selfie. Suck it.